he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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