i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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