My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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He felt like a one man threesome
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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