i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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