also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
