who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW