I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm at about main and main street
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
