Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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