you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
