dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
