At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
