My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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