I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
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using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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