my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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