I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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