The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
