i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
