I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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