Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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