that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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