it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
