i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
3pm strippers are depressing
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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