Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
