he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
BRING THE BAGELS
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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