So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
OPIZZABONMYDICK
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
