White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
