I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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