I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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