his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
