I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
