can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
