Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
