There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
