Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
