There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
