he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
