do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
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I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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