So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
