Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
