You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
