just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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