you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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