Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
