i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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