I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
