Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
