my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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