Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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