White coat. Heels.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
