I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
