Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
