I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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