around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
