lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
