picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
