I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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